My generation grew up watching the sitcom Happy Days each week. Fonzie was a main character in the show and had a reputation of being a bit of a rebel with a high “cool factor.”
In one episode, Fonzie — or the Fonz as he was known — needed to apologize for a wrong he had done. Viewers will remember how he struggled to mouth the words; “I was wr-wr-wr-wr-wrong.” He tried hard, and after multiple attempts he was able to own his action and apologize.
Apologies can be difficult, but every leader will make mistakes and find himself or herself in a position where apologizing for something said or done is the right thing to do.
How can we make a good and thorough apology? Here are some considerations:
1. Think it through. Leaders are at different places on the apology spectrum. Some leaders apologize for everything immediately — which is annoying. Others never apologize for anything — which is arrogant. Give enough time, prayer and thought to convince yourself that an apology is needed.
2. Prepare your words. This may require writing your apology. A simple “I’m sorry” can be helpful, but an apology that leaves the offended party convinced that you understand that your actions, and the hurt your actions caused them, can go much further toward healing a strained relationship.
3. Take responsibility for your actions. You may not be 100 percent at fault in a strained relationship, but you are 100 percent responsible for your part in it. That is the part you need to own. Do not make excuses. Instead, just admit the wrong done.
4. Apologize. Do not beat around the bush. Say you are sorry. Let the other party know that you were wrong and that you accept responsibility for what you did.
5. Ask for forgiveness. For Christians, we have a higher goal than just apologizing. We hope to close the circle on the damaged relationship, and asking for forgiveness from the one offended is a way to repair the damage. If you accept responsibility for the wrong you did and the hurt you caused, and if they can forgive you, then fellowship can be restored and the hurt can begin to heal.
6. Try not to repeat the same mistake. I think this is hard for many of us. I have been guilty of apologizing and then doing the same thing again. You will need grace from God and the sanctifying work of the Spirit to overcome habitual failures, but owning them and apologizing for them can be part of the process.
7. Accept the consequences and move forward. God knows our failures and uses us despite them. We need to do all we can in His power to make things right when we realize we have failed someone or hurt them unintentionally. Having done so, we need to carry on in our service to Jesus. Hopefully we will be able to move forward a little wiser and less likely to repeat the same error.
Apologies can be challenging, but seeking to make things right when we have wronged someone honors Jesus and shows love for others. And the more we do it, the easier it becomes. It will also help us become leaders worth following.
Dr. Todd Gray 