Do you have trouble being a good listener? I recently polled a group of some of the most effective Christian servants and leaders that I know with a list of 10 tips asking which one of the 10 was a strength for them and which was a growth area.
Being a better listener came high on the list as a needed area of growth for these servant leaders.
What keeps us from listening as well as we should?
The reasons are many. Some have a short attention span, while others are distracted with work and responsibilities. Some have prioritized social media and the latest news over listening well to the person sitting across from us. Some are simply self-centered and, unless they are the topic of conversation, they are just not interested.
Listening well honors Jesus and communicates value to those we talk to.
How can we improve our listening skills? Here are five tips:
1. Address the elephant in the room: Whether you are in a one-to-one or small group conversation, put your smart phone in time-out. Silence your notifications, put your phone in your pocket or purse, turn it face down on your desk or just turn it off. It is highly annoying to have a conversation with someone while that person constantly looks at his or her phone. It is annoying when I do it and when others do it to me. This is a low bar commitment we can make to the other person.
2. Listen to understand — not to reply: The goal of our listening will impact how we listen. If we are listening only to reply, then we are only gathering enough information to give a response. When doing so, we may ignore important emotions, the stress the other person is feeling, body language and more. If we listen to understand, then we are better able to receive the message from the other person.
3. Ask clarifying questions: Asking questions will help us understand the message the other person is trying to communicate. Asking clarifying questions allows the listener to say, “This is what I think I heard you say — did I understand correctly?”
Just the other day I had coffee with a leader of a non-profit ministry in our state. I was hoping to find a way to help him in his work, though it proved more challenging than I had anticipated. After we met, he followed up with a kind email including these words, “… thank you so much for your time today. I felt heard and valued.” I am glad he did and that is a worthy goal as a listener in every conversation.
4. Make eye contact and avoid distractions: This is a hard one for me. Not the eye contact but the distractions. In my world distractions are everywhere, and I feel that each one is beckoning me to look its way. Unfortunately, when I do, it causes the other person to wonder what I am looking at and feel that they do not have my full attention. I am working on the discipline of staying locked in on the person in front of me.
5. Pray and ask God to help you: Ultimately listening well is an act of love, and God will always help us love other people. Paul told the believers in 1 Thessalonians 4:9, “Now concerning brotherly love you have no need for anyone to write to you, for you yourselves have been taught by God to love one another.” One way we can love each other is by being a better listener.
G. K. Chesterton said, “There’s a lot of difference between listening and hearing.” Everyone wants to be heard and each of us can grow to become better listeners.
Dr. Todd Gray 