Occasionally someone will ask me for marital advice. It’s most often not counsel on specific marriage issues, but rather marriage advice in general — something like, “What have you learned about marriage?”
Connie and I have been married more than 31 years and we have a great marriage. We love each other and we enjoy being together. I would rather be at home with Connie than any other place. We have had our share of marriage challenges like every other Christian couple, but by God’s grace we have navigated those and grown closer rather than further apart.
Here are some things I have discovered about marriage, but especially about being married and being in ministry:
1. Agree on healthy ministry boundaries. Early in our marriage, Connie helped us as a couple think through healthy boundaries related to my ministry responsibilities. I love to work and, in ministry, the work is never finished. As a pastor, I could have stayed busy serving 16 hours a day, seven days a week, but that is not sustainable for any human, and it is a recipe for disaster for a marriage and family.
We agreed that barring any ministry emergencies, I would not be out of the house more than two evenings a week apart from normal church responsibilities. We also made it a priority to have breakfast and dinner together as a family as much as possible. That decision alone made a wonderful difference in our marriage and family.
2. Understand your own wife. Christian husbands are exhorted in 1 Peter 3:7a, Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way. That verse reminds me that God doesn’t expect me to understand anyone else’s wife, but He does expect me to understand my own. I need to know her likes and dislikes, her joys and challenges, her fears and concerns, along with her needs and her wants. Men, we may not be experts in many things, but we must be an expert in our knowledge of our own wife.
3. Be intentionally affectionate. I once heard someone say that a husband should hug his wife four times a day. Hug her when you first greet each other in the morning to get your day off to a great start. Hug her before you part ways for the day as it may be the last time you will see each other in this life. Hug her as soon as you meet at the end of the day to reconnect the affection. And hug her before you go to bed at night so that you end the day on a positive note. You may not like the idea of being told how many times to hug your wife each day, but you can see the wisdom in being intentionally affectionate with the one you have promised to love and care for until death parts you.
4. Don’t share your problems widely. Every marriage struggles at some point. Husbands and wives will have disagreements. Some are minor and some can become more serious. Many marriages may benefit from time with a skilled biblical counselor to help work through some knotty problems. My encouragement is to limit the number of people with whom you share your marital difficulties. If you have one close confidant who loves both you and your spouse, men with men and women with women, who will listen objectively and pray for your marriage, then that may suffice.
5. Ask God to make you a better spouse. The one act that has had the single greatest impact on my role as a husband was the day the Holy Spirit helped me shift my thinking and praying to focus on how I needed to change to be a better husband to Connie. I was reminded that she is a daughter of God and that He wants the best for her.
Many husbands, even Christian ones, think their marriage would be better if their wife would change. That may be true in some cases. It is also true that in many cases the husband needs to change. Ask God to show you where you need to grow as a husband and then ask Him to help you become the husband He wants your wife to have.
Marriage is a gift from God and must be cherished by its recipients. My prayer for us, especially those of us who serve as pastors, elders or ministry leaders, is that our wives would be able to say that being married to us is one of the greatest gifts God has given her.
Dr. Todd Gray 