Caring to Confront

In the southern-influenced culture where I grew up, one would occasionally hear a response “I wouldn’t care for any” to an offer of pie, coffee or a second helping of beans. When they said they wouldn’t care for any, they were saying “no thank you” to the offer.  

When it comes to confronting a friend or colleague on a relational or professional misstep, most of us, except for the most combative among us, would probably say, “we wouldn’t care for any” – either receiving it or giving it. We would say, “no thank you.” 

Leaders, however, will be confronted by others and be called to lovingly confront and correct others. An unwillingness to confront when the situation demands it is an abdication of duty. While some matters can be overlooked, other matters, if overlooked, will only get worse. 

How should we confront when confrontation is the need of the hour? Here are some considerations: 

1. Be gentle. Gentleness is a fruit of the Spirit. Christ in us enables us to be gentle instead of harsh or heavy-handed or just plain mean. We don’t have to be jerks when we confront or correct someone. We can treat others the way we hope to be treated ourselves.  

2. Be clear. Dr. John Lund said, “Don’t communicate to be understood; rather, communicate so as not to be misunderstood.” If you are going to confront someone, then do so in such a way that the issue you are addressing is crystal clear. There should be no ambiguity in your message of confrontation.  

3. Be redemptive. Dr. Jimmy Draper tells the story of addressing an employee who made a rather serious mistake. They were in fear of the possible ramifications of their actions. Dr. Draper asked if they meant to make the mistake. They assured him that, of course, they did not mean to make it. He asked if they plan to make the mistake again. They assured him they had no intention of doing it again. He encouraged them that they should move past this mistake and continue with their work. He was redemptive, and we should be as well. 

4. Be helpful. Confrontation that points out missteps without helping a person improve is less than what it could be. We are told in Ephesians 4:15, “Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ.” Not speaking the truth is not loving and does not help others grow personally and professionally.  

5. Be prayerful. Pray before and after the confrontation. Pray until you have clarity on what needs to be said as well as what does not need to be said. Do not use the confrontation of one episode as an opportunity to vent everything you may not like about the individual or their experience. Pray also that you can be clear and helpful and that they can benefit from the confrontation.  

6. Be intentional. Choose the medium for communication that best delivers the message. While some situations will call for a face-to-face meeting or a phone call, others will be better handled through a well-thought-out email or even a letter. Choose the communication format that best fits the situation and will be most helpful for the other person.  

I am grateful for those who have confronted me over the years. I am also grateful for God’s incredible grace for the times when I have needed to confront someone.